How to Handle 3 Under 3 With Joy
My Best Tips
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Just a few months ago I was googling "how to survive three kids under three" and "transitioning from two to three children." After a surprise third pregnancy, I was nervous to see how we would navigate another small age gap. Now, I'm here, 3 months into life with three and ready to share what I’ve learned! If you are nervous about welcoming your third child and need encouragement, I hope this post will bless you.
Here’s what you’ll find in this post:
things that surprised me about having my third child
motherhood mindset tips to help with the transition
practical tips for how to manage three under three
Sure, tips are helpful, but when I read posts like this myself, I know there’s something else I’m searching for. I’m trying to gather evidence that I can do it. I look to the three under three mamas who have gone before to confirm they made it out the other side.
If that’s you, prepared to welcome your third child and wondering how you’re going to manage, I’m rooting for you! You are stronger than you know, and it might go better than you think.
What surprised me about three under three
Having a newborn feels natural
I keep wondering why this felt so hard the first time around because right now, having a newborn feels second nature. Being alone with the baby feels like my rest time! I’m thankful for the way our capacity as moms grows just when we need it to. The hard part, of course, is navigating everyone else’s emotions and making sure we all adjust well.
Different kids adjust to new siblings differently
When I had my second, I read and followed all the “new sibling tips” and “how to help your toddler adjust” articles, and she adjusted extremely well. She was 15 months old and she was so stinking good with her brother. Naturally, I assumed “I'm the best mom ever and I followed all the tips perfectly.”
This time around, things have been a bit different. People keep telling me that girls and boys adjust to a new sibling very differently. And in my experience, that is absolutely true. My daughter adjusted well again this time, but my son took a little longer to warm up.
photo by Erin Caitlin
I end my days feeling exhausted in the best way
As you can imagine, with three kids so little, it feels like someone constantly needs me. Whether it's a physical need, like the baby needs to be picked up or fed, or the toddlers need lunch, or it's more of an emotional need for comfort, I’m constantly moving and I end the day feeling very tired. My days are longer than ever before since the toddlers get up between 6 and 7 and the baby is usually up until at least 9.
It is harder to avoid mom guilt
It's harder to enjoy my kids as people and savor moments with them when I'm constantly busy. I keep thinking back to how, when my oldest was born, I just stared at her all the time. I had so much capacity to put thought into each little decision, and the first few weeks of her life felt so long in the best way.
In contrast, it seems like I forget about my newborn half the time. My care for him is so second nature that sometimes it isn’t until the big kids go to bed that I get to truly enjoy time with him.
I’m always thankful when my husband is home. The moments we’re in it together are the moments I get to really savor and enjoy watching my kids interact.
photo by Erin Caitlin
Mindset Tips
Your mindset is your most powerful tool in motherhood. You get to choose whether you hold onto thoughts of bitterness and resentment or stay focused on the moments you are grateful for! With three kids under three, its more important than ever to stay focused on the good. Even when life feels like chaos, there is joy to be found!
Lower your standards
I know that sounds bad, but you really need to prioritize. You can’t be an A+ mom in every area. No one can. Decide what’s important to you and what you’re willing to let go of.
You will also need to simplify your systems as much as possible. I have a full blog post on this idea, but basically I've simplified every system in our home as much as possible.
Some examples:
I don't cook every night of the week.I batch meals so that we can eat them multiple nights in a row.
I don't fold laundry.
I haven't decorated our home because I don't want to keep up with a bunch of little knick knacks. Just things like that.
My kids wear black pants 90% of the time to minimize my decision-making
I run the dishwasher every night whether I need to or not to eliminate the “is it full enough yet?” game and save mental energy.
You will need to let go of some things, even some things that you like doing, just for a little while. If everyone's fed, if everyone's clothed, if everyone's safe, you're good.
Don’t do it alone
Get support. First and foremost, you need to be on the same page with your husband. This isn't the time to be passive-aggressive and just hope that he notices you drowning. You need to be proactive and tell him what you need and what is genuinely helpful. With two kids, if you have to do everything by yourself, you can kind of get by. But now that I have three, there’s no room to try to do it alone when help is available.
Don’t judge this whole season by one day
Whether it's great or whether it's horrible, don’t label this whole season based on how you’re feeling today or how you always feel at 5 p.m. I've been reaching the end of my rope more often in the last few days. But I know that these are hard days. It doesn't mean I need to write off this whole season and think it was a bad season overall. Life is always a mix of hard moments and amazing moments!
photo by Erin Caitlin
Have a loose structure/routine
I've been a stay-at-home mom since my oldest was born, and I've always had a structure to our days. Usually, it loosely flows around naps, but we do the same things every day. It helps me to feel more grounded, and I know the kids know roughly what to expect too.
Don’t let mom guilt steal your joy
Like I said, I've had to work hard to fight off mom guilt lately. My current newborn doesn't get the same level of care that my first did as a newborn, and I feel bad for him. I worry that my oldest will feel frustrated that I'm not spending as much time with her as I could be.
But we need to focus on what we can do and what we are doing for our kids instead of letting that mom guilt steal our joy. And of course, giving your children their dear siblings so close in age is a huge gift!
Declutter before the baby is born
Minimize your stuff as much as possible before that kid comes. I thought I minimized enough, but somehow I still I feel so annoyed by stuff lately. I don’t have the time and capacity to do a big huge declutter and purge so it leaves me wishing I did more before my son was born. My favourite decluttering tip is to ask “can I live without this?” instead of asking “do I need this?” This subtle mindset shift makes for a much more minimal home
Rest, rest, rest
I know resting sounds next to impossible. Like I said, someone needs me at every moment of the day, but that means that once my youngest is in bed, I'm going to bed too. When I know I'm going to be waking up in the night, possibly with multiple kids, I need to go to sleep as soon as I am capable.
I also taught my oldest how to do quiet time. She gave up her naps shortly before my youngest was born. So instead, she has quiet time as a bit of a reset in the middle of the day.
If I get a magical moment where all three kids are in their beds and content or sleeping, that is not my time to start dinner or do laundry or get something done. That is my time to rest too! I need a little reset in the middle of the day in order to keep functioning and keep being a kind person. Prioritize your rest, and don't feel guilty about it. You are going to be a better mom for it.
photo by Erin Caitlin
Practical Tips
Before baby #3 was born, the logistical questions caused me the most stress. How should we organize the carseats in the van? How will I leave the house with three kids? What will the older kids do while I’m nursing? How am I going to cook/get anything done with three under three? Here are the answers I’ve discovered to a few of my questions.
How will I navigate postpartum with three under three?
There’s no point in sugar-coating it: you can’t do postpartum alone. You need support more than ever to help your body heal and ensure you don’t just try to survive or get through the newborn season. Postpartum support is the difference between surviving and truly enjoying the first few weeks of your baby’s life.
We feel strongly convicted that my husband needs to be off work and home with us for the first month with a new baby. I know not everyone feels that conviction, but I urge you to pray about it and do everything in your power to keep your husband home. Welcoming each new child is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I know you don’t want to be stuck in survival mode.
I'm fortunate to live in Canada where my husband is entitled to take five weeks off at 50 percent of his pay. We are so thankful, and we take full advantage of his leave each time. No matter your situation, there will be some kind of financial sacrifice, but I believe those early newborn days are priceless.
photo by Erin Caitlin
How will my baby nap with two toddlers around?
Don't stress about baby sleep. It's okay if all your baby's naps start in the carrier or in the car seat and they are forced to work around your toddlers schedules. Your baby will learn to sleep. The nice thing is you've done this two times before. You’ve likely learned a lot about baby sleep from the other two times, so hopefully you can approach sleep in a relaxed way.
If you don’t understand baby sleep or it didn’t go well with your other kids, go read the Taking Cara Babies blog and learn about wake windows! I focus on keeping my babies well-rested whenever they choose to sleep for the first couple months, and transition them to napping in their bed at appropriate wake windows around 3-4 months. Don’t be afraid if your baby is taking most of their naps in the carrier. This is so natural, and it won’t “spoil” them.
How will I leave the house with three under three?
“How am I going to leave the house with all these kids?” I wonder every time we’re preparing to meet someone new. And of course, it always goes better than I fear.
We have a minivan and three children who are all rear-facing. We decided to put the baby in the back seat and climb in to pop the bucket seat in instead of having to climb in and strap one of the older children. It’s not a perfect system, but for now it works for us.
I don’t see this as our season to go many places. I’m comfortable going to friend's houses and church - places that I feel very safe, but I rarely take the kids to the park or into a store by myself. Thankfully, I’m a homebody and I have a few friends willing to come to me, so this works for us.
If we go to the park or somewhere more public, I've been putting the older kids in our double stroller and wearing the baby. I’m considering getting a wagon stroller for next year. So if you have one of those, let me know if you like it, what you think, if I should do it!
Where can I safely put the baby down?
Set up a “safe zone.” I have a big hexagon playpen in my living room right now. You'd think it's for the older kids in, right? The ones who actually can move around. But instead, I put the baby inside in his bouncer or while doing his tummy time so that if I need to be doing something in the kitchen or not be present for whatever reason, I know he will be safe.
How will I feed the baby?
I don’t have any magical tips for this. But now that you have two toddlers instead of one, it might be easier than last time. The toddlers will likely pair off and play together instead of trying to be with you and the baby. Sometimes, I pull out a toy they haven’t seen in a while or a snack plate before sitting down to nurse, but most of the time, it goes better than I feared.
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Final thoughts
I hope these tips are helpful to you! If you are also a three under three mom or a two under two mom, I would love to hear your tips too. Leave me a comment and let me know what you are most nervous about or what has been essential for you going through the transition of welcoming a new child!
