Pros and Cons of a 15-Month Age Gap
Practical tips for two-under-two
About a year ago, my search history looked like this:
“Pros and cons of the 15-month age gap?”
“What is the best age gap?”
“Two under two tips”
It feels surreal being on the other side of the transition and able to share my own experience as a two-under-two mom. Though our small age gap was planned, I spent a lot of time anxiously googling and had moments wondering if we made a huge mistake. With my second child on track to arrive in just a few months, I heard everything from “once you have one, two isn’t much harder” to “You will probably end up advising other women not to have their babies this close together.”
I’m typically an optimist and so is my husband, so when negative comments came, we decided we would form our own opinions once we experienced life with our second child. Even at six months, I could tell my daughter would transition well. She was fiercely independent. But of course, as I started to think through the logistics (how will I leave the house with two kids? What will my toddler do while I feed the baby?) I had moments of fear.
I’m excited to share the pros and cons we discovered but spoiler alert - we love our small age gap. I highly recommend having your kids as close as you want to and are able to! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, your capacity WILL grow, and personally, fertility is not something I want to take for granted. We debated waiting until my daughter was 9 months old or 1 year old to conceive a second, but I couldn’t help feeling silly acting as if I were really in control of the children God gives us.
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Cons
Our Breastfeeding Journey was cut short
Despite my best efforts and dreams to tandem nurse, my daughter weaned herself while I was pregnant. I’ve heard many stories of people with older toddlers successfully breastfeeding through pregnancy, but it seems very common for small babies to self-wean when the milk turns back to colostrum. My daughter weaned herself at 10 months and I took it hard.
I’m glad I didn’t know our breastfeeding journey would turn out this way. Thinking back to those early months of her life, I would have chosen to continue to breastfeed over adding another child. But now that I know my son, I can’t imagine life without him! I would choose to have an extra person in our family over boasting a full year breastfeeding any day.
Not Enough Arms
The further into my pregnancy I got, the more I began to wonder how I would leave the house. My daughter walked well when my son was born, but I was used to carrying her to the car because it was easier and faster. Every time I asked a two-under-two mom how they did it, they would say something like “I don’t know! I just do!” It didn’t feel comforting at the time, but now I totally understand the answer. It's normal to fear having the capacity to function in a new season of motherhood, but our capacity increases as we need it.
I couldn’t tell you how I did it each time, but we always got where we needed to go. Here are a few combinations that came in handy:
using the double stroller - even just to load the kids in the van
wearing one and carrying the other
wearing one and pushing the other in the stroller
holding my daughter’s hand and carrying the bucket seat
holding my daughter's hand and carrying my son
As long as I have a double stroller and a baby carrier, we usually manage just fine. As they both get older, the outings feel much easier.
Mom Guilt
This is not exclusive to the fifteen month age gap because I know mom guilt comes with adding a child at any age.
It was hard to be pregnant and low on energy. I didn’t feel like the best mom I could be for my little girl.
It was hard adjusting postpartum and feeling like I couldn’t give Ria my full attention anymore.
It was hard treating my second differently than I treated my first and having less time to soak up snuggles and contact naps.
But when I say it was hard, it was hard for moments at a time. The good always outweighed the bad even in chaotic moments. In general, I don’t subscribe to mom guilt. I firmly believe I’m doing the best I can for my kids in each moment, and that helps. I also look at the big picture. Even though I may not be the mom I want to be today or this week, overall, I am the mom I want to be. My children will know they are loved and cherished by the way I treat them each day even if I don’t make all their food from scratch or take them outside every day.
Pros
We were already in “baby mode”
We already had all the baby gear. We were in the habit of changing diapers every day, We were used to planning our days around naps. I was surprised how much I forgot with just 15 months between kids. I still had to look back at my old notes or reread books on baby sleep and breastfeeding to relearn what I had already done.
I'm often surprised when people intentionally leave a gap bigger than three or four years between children. To me, it seems it would be a lot tougher to adjust to life with a newborn and remember how to do everything while caring for an older toddler than my experience with a very young toddler.
I had a restful first trimester
I spent the early days of pregnancy very tired, but thankfully, my daughter still had two naps every day. I napped when she did every morning and still had her afternoon nap to make dinner or do other housework. Though she was crawling, Ria was pretty happy to be trapped in the living room and I was able to rest. We spent many days lying on the couch together reading books, and those are now memories I cherish!
Both kids are more content when they’re together
I was surprised by how quickly the kids started to interact! When my son was about four months old he started giggling at his sister, and she still loves performing for him.
Now that they’re a little older, they are always happier together. They seem to miss each other when one of them is napping. I remember thinking my daughter seemed a bit bored around 8 months as she was trying to learn to pull herself up and climb, but couldn’t quite get where she wanted. Having my daughter around kept my son very entertained during this phase.
Thoughts that helped us
I’ve never had a 15-month old before. Who says this isn’t the perfect time to add another?
As we were looking ahead and trying to plan an age gap, I remember thinking “I've never had a 15-month-old before. I don't know what it will be like.” And that gave me comfort to hold my plans loosely and also enjoy life with a 15-month-old and a baby instead of wishing I only had one 15 month old. I didn't want to wait for someone else's definition of a “perfect age gap.” I didn't know what it was like having a 2-year-old either. How could I know whether it would be better at another child when my daughter was 15 months or at 2 or 5. I truly think waiting until you are “ready” for kids or “ready” for another one is a myth. At some point, you will need to take the leap and trust God.
Everything is a phase
Nothing lasts forever, especially with babies. This thought brings me near tears every time My kids do something cute, but it also gives me comfort on the difficult days. I think the key to enjoying life is remembering that these are the good old days and you're going to miss them, while also believing the best is yet to come. Those sound like opposites, but somehow those thoughts can coexist and bring so much joy.
I want a table full of adult children and grandchildren one day
Deciding how many kids you want and how close together is one of the biggest decisions you will make as a couple. I recently heard someone recommend looking far into the future to picture what you want for your family. Yes, it may be chaotic for a season, but who do you want around your table when you’re 60 years old and hosting Thanksgiving dinner? How full do you want that table to be? Thinking of the future makes me excited to have a large family, and it strengthens my conviction to be intentional with how we raise our children and the culture we create in our home. (This book has been a huge inspiration)
A sibling is the best gift I can give my child
Anytime I felt guilty for being too tired in pregnancy to take my daughter on more outings or for being busy with the newborn, I tried to remember how grateful I am for my own brother. I truly believe a sibling is the best gift we can give our child. I believe the lifelong connection she and Asher are going to have is going to far outweigh any attention taken off of her in the short term.
It’s okay to mourn the end of the family we have now
I spent both pregnancies intentionally releasing the family we had. Although adding a child is one of the greatest joys, it is also an ending in some ways. When my daughter was born, it ended a really sweet season of marriage with my husband all to myself. When my son was born, it ended a sweet season where I was able to fully focus on my daughter. I was aware in each pregnancy that the transition would feel hard even though it was full of blessings. Instead of shaming myself for these feelings, I felt them fully and spent much time crying over the life we left behind. This made space in my heart to embrace our new family and our new family member when the time came.
Fertility is a gift
Anytime a fear came into my mind about the chaos we might encounter, those thoughts were immediately replaced with gratitude. What a blessing to possibly have more children than I knew how to handle! I don't want this to be a message of toxic positivity telling you to suppress the hard moments, but the joy and beauty of having sweet children far outweigh the hard moments every time.
I didn't think we would want another child so quickly, but when we submit those things to God's hands and follow His leading, He rewards us with a richness that we can't have if we're distracted by our own plans and by what we've lost.
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Practical tips to help with the transition
Postpartum rest and support
I'm always shocked when I see women out and about after just having a baby. Not positively shocked. I'm not impressed. I always wonder why she’s not at home taking it easy.
Even with the best birth experience, birthing a baby is a big event for your body! Not to mention the mental exhaustion, hormonal highs and lows and the work of establishing breastfeeding. Prioritizing rest postpartum is incredibly important to me. And thankfully, my husband is on board and eager to be with me and take care of our home when welcoming a new baby.
Here in Ontario, dads are entitled to take a 5-week leave from work at 55% of their pay. This lightens the financial burden! But no matter your financial situation, I think having time to bond as a family and adjust to life with a new family member is priceless.
Intention around introducing the toddler and baby
At 15 months, it was hard to know how much my daughter understood, but I talked to her about the baby my whole pregnancy. I often pointed out the baby in my belly and told her we would be adding another person to our family.
I didn't want to be constantly saying “no” when she wanted to interact with her new sibling, so even before he was here I focused on positive interactions she could have. We practised with her baby doll. If she tried to poke its eyes I asked if she wanted to tickle the baby instead or give it a kiss. Once her brother came, I kept up with the same tactics, redirecting her to a positive interaction instead of telling her not to touch or to stay away.
When it came time to introduce my daughter to my son, I followed the advice everyone seems to share. Instead of holding my son, we set him on our bed and went to greet our daughter when she arrived home. After spending a few minutes with her, I told her the baby had come out of my belly and we went to go meet him. Instead of her coming home to see me busy with someone else, we got to go and meet the baby together. The first interaction went very well! She couldn't stop staring and smiling.
Even still, when I speak to my daughter about my son I try to watch my wording. Instead of saying something like “I can't do that I have to feed the baby” or “Mama's busy” I try to hear her request and tell her I can go with her in 10 minutes. I don't want to always be blaming her brother or saying no to her because of him. Instead, I delay her request without using him as a reason.
Baby wear
Baby-wearing makes life easier for many reasons, but this time around it was incredible for helping to keep my hands free. Whether we were on an outing, washing dishes together, or playing in the yard, I was happy to have the baby tucked securely against me and have free hands to interact with my daughter.
Double stroller
We bought a very versatile stroller the first time around, and I ended up being very for all the configurations we could do. Every outing and even outside play at home has been made easier by having a reliable double stroller.
Prepare for interruptions
I'm naturally task-oriented, so I have trouble remembering this when I get interrupted. When my husband was back at work and I eased back into cooking and cleaning, I had to frequently remind myself those jobs weren't the most important thing I had to do in a day.
It helped to prepare practically with freezer meals, and release cleaning expectations on myself. But more important was the constant thought work of reminding myself of my main purpose is as a mama.
Encouragement as you make your decision
The deeper into motherhood I get, the more it surprises me that we’re taught to fear blessings. Yes, having a baby changes your life. Of course it does! But I get frustrated when people act like their children are a burden.
I was so afraid to become a mom. I was afraid I wouldn’t like it. I was shocked to discover what a blessing this role is!
It seems we’re taught to fear small age gaps too. I grew up thinking two years was the perfect spacing. As I held my four-month-old and confided in a friend that I already wanted another child, she told me not to do it. She told me I would likely advise other mothers against it.
I’m so glad I didn’t allow her fear to talk me out of a blessing. I remember telling her “I won’t regret it. No matter how chaotic life is for a season, I will never look back and think I wish I hadn’t had this child when I did.” I stand behind that belief. We will never look at our children with regret. But we might regret the children we didn’t try for.
Whether you are already expecting your second or trying to decide when to plan your next pregnancy, I hope you found some encouragement here. You didn’t become a mom because you were looking for an easy life or to have more time to yourself. There may be busy, chaotic moments over the next few years, but I know the blessings will far outweigh the hardships.
Blessings as you care for the precious little ones in your life!
