How to Prepare Your Heart for Motherhood

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I'm the only person I know who said “thank goodness pregnancy is so long” right up until 40 weeks of pregnancy with my first. Labour was starting, but I didn't feel ready. Are you ever ready for kids? Maybe not. I thought I would never be done trying to prepare my heart for motherhood.

It doesn't take long to prepare a home for a baby. Babies need a lot less than we're led to believe, especially newborns. No baby proofing is required until at least 6 months in. But as you're getting ready, as you're making a baby registry and checking it twice, don't forget to prepare your heart for motherhood. Don't forget to mentally prepare.

Entering motherhood is one of the biggest transitions you will go through. You will encounter so much joy but also moments of sorrow as you part with the life you're leaving behind.

1. Focus on who you’re becoming

I get tired of hearing people talk about “losing” yourself in motherhood. People seem to spend so much time trying to find themselves again or hold on to every shred of who they were.

What would it look like if instead of clinging so hard to the past we spent pregnancy intentionally releasing who we were? There is an element of morning, and I think it's important to feel all those emotions. In a few short years, you won't recognize yourself. But that doesn't mean you're lost. It means you’re uncovering new facets of who God made you to be. You're going to learn a tonne, make thousands of decisions, and grow in ways you didn't know were possible. Your relationship with your spouse will change completely and the way you engage with all the things you currently love to do will change. It doesn't mean you're gone. It means a new, better, stronger version of you is emerging.

This applies especially to our bodies. Few things make me want to barf as much as the phrase “get your body back.” You realize that's impossible, right? In high school anthropology class I learned a skeleton will give away if a woman has given birth. Her bone structure is permanently changed. The old body is gone. And in its place is a new, stronger, beautiful body. Will this new body wear larger clothing? Maybe. But once you get to know your child, I promise you won't wish to trade them in for smaller clothing, your old body, or your old life.

If you lean into the changes, you will be amazed and delighted to see who you become in motherhood.

2. Clear your schedule

I cancelled Christmas the year my daughter was born. Her guess date was December 7, so I knew I could be pregnant until December 21. I told our families to go ahead and make plans to celebrate, but not to expect us to attend.

When the time came, my daughter was born in early December, and we did feel up to travelling and socializing. Making this decision after her birth felt good. I knew I didn't want any pressure to attend family gatherings or fulfil other obligations. I had never had a newborn before, I didn't know how the birth would go, and I didn’t make commitments for the precious early weeks of her life.

In addition to canceling Christmas, I ensured my husband had a month-long leave from work, and released any expectation on myself to begin cooking or cleaning again within any specific timeline. I really value postpartum rest. But I also wanted to lighten the load of expectations on myself in those early postpartum days. I wanted to be able to prioritize my daughter completely and hold her or feed her when she needed it without guilt or fear of getting behind.

Once my husband returned to work, I felt like a superhero anytime I actually cooked dinner or cleaned up! I didn’t expect much from myself, so any accomplishment was something to celebrate.

I highly recommend clearing your schedule for at least a couple of months postpartum. Even if you spent a lot of time around babies, you don't know YOUR baby yet. You don't know how your birth will go. You don't know how you’ll feel in those early postpartum days and what you’ll need. I would rather avoid commitments to visitors and pleasantly surprise loved ones after the birth than feel pressure to honour commitments I made.

3. Have realistic expectations

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” - Anne Lamott

In other words, it isn't reality that disappoints you, it's your expectations. If you spend all your time thinking about newborn snuggles, and none of it preparing for the work of breastfeeding and navigating baby sleep and postpartum healing, you will be very disappointed.

I'm often shocked by the amount of people I hear say “no one tells you how hard breastfeeding is.” It seems to me that EVERYONE is talking about how hard breastfeeding is. I was pleasantly surprised by my breastfeeding experience! I expected it to be challenging. I had read enough stories of bleeding nipples and power pumping to be pleasantly surprised when my daughter latched well within the first few days.

Because of this, I rave about my breastfeeding experience! I’m so thankful it started smoothly. But I know if I expected breastfeeding to be smooth and easy and pain free I would have a lot of complaints about my very normal breastfeeding journey.

I recommend learning a bit about postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, and baby sleep. Make decisions about how you want to handle each of these subjects, but be prepared to hold them loosely and trust your intuition in the moment. You don't need to know EVERYTHING on any topic. But knowing a bit about a lot of topics can help you approach it with confidence and know what you need to research further.

We live in the information age. This is a blessing, but also an opportunity for overwhelm. I recommend choosing just ONE resource on each of the following topics and learning from it. If you dislike this person's approach or you need to fill in some gaps, it may be a good idea to pursue another resource.

Here are a few of my favorite resources:

Baby sleep - Taking Cara Babies (blog)

Breastfeeding - Ina Mays Guide to Breastfeeding (book)

Postpartum Healing - Bridget Teyler (YouTube Video)

Birth - Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (book)

4. Have open conversations with your spouse

Just as you need to learn about specific topics, your spouse needs to do the same. Supposedly, when women are expecting a child they envision life with a baby. They're more likely to think through scenarios of caring for a baby and what they will do. Men imagine life with an older child.

My own husband confirmed this was true for him. He spent more time thinking about a child he could play with and teach skills to than a newborn.

Your husband likely knows less than you do about birth, postpartum, and newborn care. It's important to tell him honestly your wishes for labour and birth and what you will need postpartum. Of course, he will have to be flexible. You won't fully know what you need until your baby has arrived.

You may want to prioritize regular date nights during pregnancy and really cherish the time together. Our last child-free summer holds some of my sweetest memories! Take a moment to notice how light you can pack and how you can head out the door for a spontaneous dinner if you want!

Discuss things like postpartum sex, how you plan to divide responsibilities and how you are going to prioritize time together when the baby arrives. I hope you feel confident bringing those topics up with your husband.

5. Silence harmful voices (and choose who you want to listen to)

You've probably already experienced the unsolicited advice. A pregnant belly seems to be taken as a neon sign welcoming feedback on the most intimate details of your life. Have you had any weird moments with strangers? It could be anything from kind words of wisdom to some kind of doomsday proclamation starting with “just you wait.”

While we don't have control of the advice thrown at us, we get to choose who we listen to. I used to be a much more passive and gentle person willing to consider any advice offer to me. But motherhood changed me for the better! Suddenly, I'm able to filter through advice much more quickly and stand firm on my own convictions. Whether I choose to smile and nod or push back verbally, time has taught me to filter through unsolicited advice without letting it affect me so deeply.

This is a great time to accept that not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to agree with you and support the decisions you make as a mother. But you are the very best mom for your children. God chose you for a reason! And you are the one who gets to make these decisions despite what other people say.

You may decide to keep some decisions to yourself or refrain from inviting people to specific moments. No one needs to attend your birth. You are the ONLY one who makes that decision. No one needs to know whether you circumcise or vaccinate.

This is also a good opportunity to go through your social media accounts. If someone I follow starts complaining about their children or their husband I quickly unfollow or mute their account. I love being a mom. I want to meditate on positive motherhood content that encourages my healthy mindset. I know negative content will distort my view and make me question my convictions. Take the opportunity now to weed through who you follow!

6. Pray

You can't do motherhood on your own strength. You weren’t designed to. This role is an invitation into deeper daily dependence on God for patience, strength, wisdom and more.

Some of my favorite prayers are:

“God, please bridge the gap between my best efforts and who my children need as a mom. Please meet with them personally and bring godly adults into their lives who can shepherd them alongside me.”

“God, please mold me into the wife and mother you created me to be. Continue to grow me and wisdom and strength and dependence on you.”

When it comes to praying for my children, I remember feeling so overwhelmed during my first pregnancy. There are so many things to ask God for! Should I ask for health, or wisdom? Should I ask that my children make good decisions or find a good spouses? Should I ask that they don't encounter any pain or that the pain they do encounter will bring them closer to God? There are so many words I could use to pray and trying to find the perfect ones overwhelmed me.

Finally, I realized it all boils down to one thing. I started praying daily that my children will know God and choose to walk with him. While that won't fix everything, their life will contain so much more joy and peace if they live in step with Him.

Conclusion

You're about to undergo one of the biggest transformations in life. Even if you feel afraid or unprepared, I hope you feel excited too. It's hard to trade in a life you love for a joy you haven't experienced yet. I remember crying a lot of tears my last child-free summer thinking about trading in a marriage that was good for one that would be completely different as we navigated the waters of parenthood together.

I firmly believe you can love motherhood. Not every moment will be cozy or glamorous, but at the end of each day, you will look at your sweet baby and thank God you get to be their mom.

Blessings as you prepare for this new season!