013 | How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums
Toddler Tips
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If you're a mom of toddlers, you've probably experienced the emotional rollercoaster that comes with big feelings and dramatic outbursts. I don’t want to write off this behavior as a “typical tantrum” and roll my eyes. Instead, I want to seek their heart. I want to look for ways to understand their emotions and how we can communicate with them to prevent those stressful moments.
As a mom to a 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and a 9-month-old, I’ve discovered a few key strategies to help navigate these challenging moments with grace and empathy. So today, I’m sharing some tips and mindset shifts that can help you handle toddler tantrums, or at least prevent them from happening as often.
Your Mindset Comes First
Your toddlers are like emotional sponges—they can pick up on how you're feeling and how you're reacting. If you feel frustrated, annoyed, or angry, your little ones will likely mirror those emotions, leading to more tantrums. So, working on your mindset is key.
I always remind myself that I’m on the same team as my toddlers. Instead of blaming them for their emotions, I ask myself, What could I have done differently to communicate better or prevent this?
Another essential part of mindset is how we view our kids' actions. For example, when my toddler is acting out or being “mean,” I try to remind myself that they're not doing it to hurt me—they're just processing the world around them in their own way. And sometimes, they're simply trying to communicate a need or want.
Look past the behaviour to your child’s heart.
When your toddler does something that frustrates you, try to look beyond the action and think about the heart behind it. Just like adults, toddlers have opinions and desires, and sometimes those don’t align with our own. Take a moment to think about their perspective before reacting.
For example, the other day, my daughter was opening the baby wipes and I immediately thought, What is she doing? But then I saw her wiping down the shelves and walls. She was mimicking me cleaning! Instead of getting frustrated, I took a step back and realized she was just trying to be like me.
Your toddler isn’t out to get you.
Remember, toddlers aren’t out to make your life harder. They’re not malicious little people. They’re simply having a hard time expressing themselves. If you find yourself frustrated by their behavior, try to see the similarities between you and them. For example, I have very specific preferences about how I eat—if my husband gives me the wrong spoon, I’ll go get a different one. I don’t throw a tantrum, but I can understand how my toddler might get upset over something small like that.
By recognizing these shared human experiences, I can approach my kids with more grace and patience.
Preventing Tantrums: Tips to Set Your Toddler Up for Success
While tantrums can’t always be avoided, there are some proactive ways to prevent them. Here are a few strategies I’ve found helpful:
1. Pick Your Battles
I have three little ones, and they need a lot throughout the day. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. If my toddler wants to play with a baby wipe, I let her. If she wants to switch spoons during dinner, I let her. It’s okay to say “yes” to the small things that don’t matter.
Sometimes, instead of saying no, I try to say “Yes, but…” I say yes, but I put a boundary around it so that it fits my needs. Maybe we’re in a hurry, but my son really wants to put his own shoes on. I’ll tell him he can try for three seconds, count out loud, and then step in.
2. Give Warnings Before Transitions
Toddlers don’t always understand why they have to stop what they’re doing, so providing them with warnings can ease the transition. A two-minute warning, a one-minute warning, and sometimes even a three-second warning can make all the difference.
Again, we’re more alike than different. If my husband came over and ripped my laptop out of my hands right now, I’d be upset too. With a little warning, my toddlers respond much better to switching activities.
3. Offer Choices
One thing that works wonders for preventing tantrums is offering choices within boundaries. My children don’t get to choose their bedtime, but they can choose between two pairs of pajamas or choose which song we sing before bed. Giving them control over small decisions helps them feel involved in what we’re doing.
4. Focus on What They Can Do
Instead of telling toddlers what not to do (which often makes them want to do it more), I try to focus on what they can do.
If I told you “don’t look to your left!” doesn’t that make you want to look over there? It’s all I can think about now. Our toddlers’ little brains might not be able to come up with an alternative to what they’re not supposed to do. Instead of telling them “stop hitting” or “stop running” I’ll tell them “let’s just tickle your sister instead” or “show me your walking feet!”
5. Acknowledge Their Feelings
When your toddler is upset, one of the best things you can do is acknowledge their request. If they’re asking for something they can’t have (like a cupcake in the store), you might be tempted to try to distract them, waving bananas in their face instead.
But if your toddler doesn’t know you heard and understood their request, they might resort to asking more loudly, trying to make you understand.
Simply saying, “I see you’re looking at the cupcakes. They look delicious, don’t they? I like the pink one!” Then, communicate the boundary: “We’re not getting cupcakes today, but how about we have a banana when we get home?”
6. Make It Fun
Sometimes, a little creativity goes a long way. We make things fun by singing songs or making up silly stories. Sometimes I’ll personify a peace of clothing, like telling them the socks need a little foot to eat! I’m sure you catch yourself doing this too. Bringing fun into these moments can help our toddlers be more eager to go along with what we’re doing.
When Tantrums Happen
Even with all the prevention in the world, tantrums still happen. In those moments, it’s important to remember that your toddler isn’t trying to make your life difficult—they’re simply expressing big emotions.
The best thing to do is wait until the outburst is finished, and lovingly reaffirm the boundary.
And if you’re fortunate enough to experience one of those moments in public, please know all of us other moms aren’t looking at you with judgement. We’re looking over with the deepest empathy because we’ve all been there too!
How to Model Apologies
As much as we try to stay calm and collected, we all have moments when we react poorly and yell. It’s always important to apologize after these moments happen and tell them we made a mistake.
This shows them how to make things right and helps them realize adults aren’t perfect either.
Navigating toddler tantrums can feel overwhelming, but remember, you’re not alone. Every mom is going through it, and we can all learn from each other. If you have any toddler tips or mindset shifts that have made a difference in your parenting, I’d love to hear them in the comments!
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